Wherein the world went bananas, circa 2020

Keeping in mind that I don’t typically watch the news, or TV in general, here is a quick personal timeline of this shit storm:

Late February: Become aware of a corona virus wreaking havoc on China.

Early March: Holy shit, Italy is fucked. It’s in Europe, too? What is happening?? Start reading news, start having conversations, mainly with healthcare professionals about what it is, what it does.

March 12: There are patients with this virus at our hospital, reportedly. From the cruise ship. More conversations, mainly about the need for ventilators, in order to treat this.

March 13 (Friday the 13th): Wow, this is really serious. Why has it been treated so cavalierly by the government?? Become aware that my workplace could immediately be affected. Our anesthesia machines could be needed as ventilators. Non-essential businesses are already making the choice to close in the Bay Area, including surgery centers.

March 14: Happy to have some little bottles of Purell around. Wonder why everyone is buying toilet paper.

March 15: Go to bar to see friends, aware that precautions are being taken there. Still have Purell in pocket. While at the bar, get text that Governor Newsom is closing bars, breweries and clubs in California as of that night. Have one last round and go to Safeway. Lots of people had the same idea. Load up with supplies, mainly snacks and alcohol. Survival instincts are clearly kicking in.

March 16: Find out that workplace will indeed be affected. Then find out that a shelter-in-place order is going into effect at midnight for 6 Bay Area counties, including my own. Had to find out what that meant.

March 17: Find out that I won’t be needed at work this whole week. Start unemployment filing process and do some education at home to earn some hours.

March 19: Newsom puts whole state on Shelter-in-Place order.

March 20: Become ill with non virus-related issue and put on antibiotics. End up on them for almost 2 weeks and can’t work for fear of exposure while immune system is busy elsewhere.

Day 27. Today. Healthy, totally fine for over a week. Have had a few scary, stressful trips to the grocery store and have worked one shift since March 13, but have been home for the rest of this time. Doing a lot of work in my yard and prepping for a vegetable garden. Happily bought my seeds months ago. See no one but my boyfriend, who already worked from home before this all happened. Utilizing video chats and phone calls to try and stay connected to my loved ones. But this shit is hard. Concerned for my financial well-being, still have not heard a peep from unemployment to offset the reduced hours, and pray for opportunities to work a shift each week.

Yet, I feel I am one of the lucky ones.

At least for now, I have a job and opportunities to work, and my benefits like health insurance are intact as long as this remains true. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and activities I enjoy around the house that keep me busy. I have a wonderful partner to share mutual support and time with. My friends and loved ones are staying healthy so far. I live in a state whose leadership has taken this pandemic very seriously from the beginning and is working hard to protect its citizens.

My stress, worry, and sadness is for others at this time. The fact that people are dying alone because their families are not allowed to be near them in their last moments is the primary source of my sadness. I cannot imagine that level of pain, and hope to never know it. I see the struggles of friends and acquaintances on social media, people hitting the bottom of hopelessness, some entirely giving up, and I want to cry. Yet we aren’t able to hug anyone. It’s just so hard. Some days I want to completely ignore social media, and not know these things for the protection of my own sanity, but then what if I can reach out to someone and let them know they’re loved, and somehow make a difference? What if I miss that opportunity because I missed someone’s cry for help post? Y’all. It’s a lot. For all of us.

I’m an optimistic person by nature, but I’m human, and things like this can bring feelings of hopelessness and fear that can be hard to cope with. But I’m trying to train myself away from those feelings, because hope is possibly the most powerful tool in my shed. No one can possibly know how this is all going to play out for all of us, but that fact that it is an ALL OF US scenario is what gives me the most hope. Yes, some people suck. Some people suck real hard, and are making this worse for all of us with their ignorance and stupidity and dumb ass actions. But I can’t let that be my focus when there is so much good happening, so many people doing incredible things and giving of themselves to try and make an impossible situation better. The people working so hard in hospitals, grocery stores, delivery trucks, etc., the people making and donating masks, the people delivering food to the elderly, the people providing quarantine shelter to first responders - those are the people I will choose to focus on. These are the stories that make my heart feel okay again. That and all the reasons listed above for how lucky I truly am. Training my brain for focus. I won’t be hard on myself when fear and worry seep in - but I’ll keep trying to re-focus. I’ll keep making my loved ones, my patients, and myself my priority, and try to patiently wait for a new normal that will slowly emerge for all of us. ALL OF US.

I suspect these won’t be my only ponderings on this subject, because I also suspect that we have a long road ahead of us before any of us can feel “normal” again.

Also? I miss baseball.

And you.

Hang in there.