Whaaaaat just happened??

Maybe you are nervous about swimming in the ocean for the first time since you were a child. Or aren’t sure you remember that concerto you once had mastered on the piano. Some dummy is gonna say, “Don’t worry, it’s just like riding a bicycle!” You know, if you really, REALLY think about it, there are a whole lot of steps/functions that go into to successfully riding a bicycle, yet that expression makes those things seem so insignificant and easy to do.

Wait, what I am talking about again?

Oh. yeah! So, I’m talking about what it’s like to do something you haven’t done in a long, long time. You used to be fine with doing it, but then made a decision to do other things, and suddenly you’re faced with going back to that now unfamiliar territory. WILL YOU FAIL???

Dammit, Jim! I just don’t have the answers!

But! I wanna try to be good at it.

Because……The thing is……See, I met a guy.

Okay, maybe that’s not the shocking part. I meet guys all the time, they’re, like, half the population. Let me try that again.

I met a guy I really like! Who I choose, freely, to spend a ton of time with! I have a boyfriend, y’all. Yup. For realsies. He’s pretty great, you should meet him. You’d totally love each other.

But this blog isn’t about him, per se. (Maybe later!) It’s about the shock and awe related to my being in a relationship. Cuz if you know me, and I think you do, you may have noticed that I have avoided committing to anything or anyone seriously for a good number of years now, and was really happy about it. So the question is, what changed, and why now? And can I still relationship?? (If you tell me it’s just like riding a bike, I might throat punch ya.) Unexpected change is fun, no doubt! But should I wear a helmet?

Obviously, I’ve met an exceptional human being, I hope that goes without saying. It would never have been just any man who made me want to change my ways, lawd no. But I honestly thought there wasn’t anyone alive who could do that. Because I was happy, and I felt complete. Moving home hasn’t always been an easy adjustment, but I didn’t feel like I needed a relationship to make it easier. I was finding my way, and feeling stress-free and content. My family and friendships, and the things I love to do, have always been plenty for me, and have been for years now. Even dating apps bored and appalled me, and I would forget to even look at them for weeks at a time. But….BOOM!

I wonder if you really need to first feel utterly complete and happy in your skin and circumstances in order for the universe to send you someone who can complement your life in a lovely way. I’ve always been concerned for people who say things like, “She completes me” or “I don’t know what I’d do without him”. That’s sweet and all, but that’s not healthy, y’all! Life has no guarantees, we all know that. And that fear of loss and/or failure is certainly a huge factor in deciding to give your heart to someone. But maybe it’s easier, and you’re willing to be more daring, when you’ve proven to yourself that you can rock your life just fine on your own.

I’m not gonna go down a list of past relationships and examine my true state of mind at the beginning of each of them, but I’m willing to bet that if I did, and I was honest with myself, there was probably some”thing” that I was seeking outside of myself, some need or desire. I was probably not feeling truly complete going in to any of them. And guess what? All of those relationships ended.

I can’t predict the future, nor can I control it, so I have no way of knowing if this will be different. But it is different, so far. Because I don’t need this person in my life. But I very much want him there. And that feels pretty awesome.

Helmet off, bitches!