Rant Gingerly

I remember thinking about 1999 with wonder as a kid. Would cars really be flying and pot roasts cook themselves? Could my closet pick my outfit for me based on my mood and the weather? Would I be able to plug my brain into a machine that would teach me stuff without having to study? COULD I GO TO SPACE??

Yeah, super bummer. Absolutely none of those things happened by 1999. So here we are, 2018. Our president is terrifying, but hey, at least the stock market is good, am I right? There are self-driving cars out there, but I hear rumor that they crash. A lot. And they're not even close to flying. My friends are all shouting about some game-changing pot that can make a roast in a few minutes, so that's dope. But my closet still stares back at me, blankly, matching my clueless blank stare into it, and I am no closer to being able to choose an outfit. I still have to study study study. I'm also NOT IN SPACE YET. Hrrmph.

Speaking of high tech developments, when the hell are we gonna get light bulbs that last forever? And are smart enough to use the wattage necessary for the fixture they're in so we don't have to choose? I get so sad when a bulb dies. And it never dies along with its friends, they like to space their death out even if they started life together. IT'S A CONSPIRACY.

Okay, enough bitching, because if I'm gonna be honest about it, high tech stuff is somewhat daunting to me. I have a car that can start itself if I push a button, for example. Although I love getting into a warm car when it's cold as a zombie's bra out there, I can't really enjoy it that much because I pretty much can't believe it's happening. The car flashes its lights at me to let me know it has turned on, but I still have to go outside and actually hear it for myself. And then I keep checking it. And checking it. Is it still running? What is this magic? Is it okay out there? Is it wondering where I am? I make so many trips to hang out the door and check in the cold ass air that I'm totally defeating the purpose, but I can't help myself.

Hot spots? Don't get it. Voice commands? I'm too shouty and scare it into failure. But again, I can't seem to believe that my normal speaking voice will suffice. I'm like those Americans who raise their voices at non-English-speaking people as if that will make them understand the language better. Siri, Contana, Alexa, doesn't matter. The bitches hate me and probably talk about me behind my back in their phantom voice lady dive bar. I own things, like this very website, that have capabilities I will never utilize because that would require someone else's brain. Mine is all like, "Oooo, pretty colors! Funny GIF! Press save!" My mother has described me as a "power user" in the past, which I take it to mean I get what I want out of tech stuff and move the hell on. And go back to coloring.

This year promises to be a very interesting one for the ol' redhead, and I'm ready for it. Luckily, there will be plenty to write about. Just hope King Cheeto doesn't press any big red buttons.