Woooodawg! It's about to get random in here!

Heeeeeeyyyy, y’all! Greetings from the sunny East Bay! Since I rarely post much lately because I’m too lazy and dumb to think of a theme for a blog post (still suffering from grad school PTSD), here is just a smattering of the things gettin’ their boogie on in my head. In no particular order. (Order is exhausting.)

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I recently decided to stop eating red meat. No, this isn’t “Oh, the Californian is gonna eat sprouts and support animal rights” thing. I’m very comfortable with my position on the food chain, and I love a good rib-eye like WHOA. The thing is…….

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I mean, maybe. My body keeps giving me signs that middle age is a FUCKING DICK, and that maaaaaybe I wanna make some decisions that might be good for my health for a change. I kinda feel like garbage after every time I have a steak, sadly. So rather than give up the 5 pounds of sugar/carbs I eat/drink in a week, the cow has got to go.

Thing is, I can probably survive the steak withdrawal alright. I don’t eat them very often. But BURGERS?? Lawd, I love a good burger, now. I remember when eating some kinda deep-fried burger at a spot in Memphis was akin to a religious experience for me. In fact, it’s rare that I straight up give the thumbs down to a burger, because even the dry, sad ones can be okay if you doctor them up properly.

I’ve heard all kinds of people talking about these new plant-based burgers that are pink in the middle and actually juicy. I was skeptical, to say the least. I tried a Boca burger in the past and would have probably preferred to feast on a urinal cake than that shit. But I decided to be open-minded, and I tried one of the Safeway organic brand’s vegan burgers that I found in the meat section. (hahaha, they’re always in the meat section, like, “Sorry, loser. You gotta look at all the good-tasting actual meat while you pick up your flower burger, ya hippie.”) Y’all, that shit was nasty. I made it as directed, and had my favorite buns and fixins, but I kept chewing and chewing and chewing. There were these nasty chewy chunks in the whole thing, and it tasted like….well, nasty chewy chunks. The second one in the package went in the garbage. I tried an Impossible Burger, and I’ll tell you what’s impossible. That people actually think this is good, that people think this is an acceptable substitute for a real burger, that people don’t hurl their plates at their servers in disgust. That’s what. So on a couple friends’ recommendations, I bought Beyond Burgers at Whole Paycheck today, expecting to be cranky and foot-stompy again. But!!!!

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I mean, is it as good as a meat burger? Nope. But I didn’t expect it to be. It was, however, juicy, a little crispy and charred on the outside, and had a texture like a real burger. NO CHEWY MYSTERY CHUNKS. I ate the whole thing, and actually look forward to eating the second one soon. So if you’re in the market for sad, non-burgers, I recommend Beyond Burger. They have a sausage, too, and you know I’ll be trying that shit!

Let’s see, what else. Been loving being back in the Coliseum on a regular basis for A’s baseball. All those painful years of never seeing games or paying out my ass for a subscription to watch them on my laptop are thankfully over now, one of the best parts of being back in the Bay. I feel so alive when I’m at a game, it’s romantic and sentimental and magical. Their new season ticket “Access” thingy is super awesome, too - mainly for the beer and food at 50% off! Every time I get a micro-brew draft for $5, it feels like my birthday! So I’m having lots of birthdays lately, is what I’m saying.

Here’s the thing, though. I go to the games alone, mostly. My subscription is for one. I can add tickets for 25% off, and I have, but it makes me sad that I don’t have any friends or family who are as nuts for this team as I am. This isn’t a new thing, but it’s much more noticeable now! I have sat by some cool people and had the time of my life, but I’ve also sat by geezers who talk about mutual funds throughout the whole game, and one of these cranky douches even dropped his dang CANE on my head. No. Fuck no.

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I gotta get new friends, obvs. It’s funny (not) that the two biggest A’s fans I know live in Memphis now. GAAAAHHHH. Even though I’ve been on a single-and-loving-it kick for a few years now, I’d almost consider having a boyfriend again. If he was a huge A’s fan, of course.

Maybe.

It’s cool, though. Even if I roll through the whole game without anyone talking to me but my favorite beer lady, it’s still the happiest place on earth. If you ask me. :)

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Oh yeah! And can someone tell me when the hell turkeys took over the Bay Area? And why they’re so fucking AGGRO???

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These big bitches are EVERYWHERE. I’ve seen ‘em out in CoCo County all over the place, got chased by a gobbling pack of them hiking in the Oakland hills, and saw a gaggle of them at the Berkeley Marina yesterday, for fuck’s sake. Like, where are they coming from??! They stand in the middle of the street, and you can be rolling straight at them at 40 mpg and they look at you like “IDGAF, try me.” If we do hit one, are we allowed to eat it? I don’t know the rules here. I know plenty of people back in Memphis that are already putting on the forest camo as they read this, hahahaaaa!!! I swear to god I never saw one turkey in the first 25 years of my life living here. Did a plane drop them? Did a turkey farmer go rogue and randomly place them in various streets? I really, really wanna know, y’all.

REALLY. Wanna know.

Anyway, I’m done now. Have a turkey-free, A’s-loaded, real big beefy burger day, lovelies.