Rant Gingerly

Sure, it was an adjustment moving to the South, of course it was. But between the best food anywhere, the nice folks who smile and say hello, and the snail's pace of just about everything, it was not a painful adjustment. I love it here, and this is one of what will probably be several installments of an ode to the South, particularly Memphis, TN. So much to love, how do I start?

With mah favorite Southernisms, 'course! ("Southern Colloquialisms" sounds so......not Southern.) And while reading this, do your best to read with a lovely Southern accent dripping with honey. I've been collecting these for years, I'm excited to finally compile them!

The mother of them all: "Bless (his, her, your, their) heart." Used sweetly sometimes, when someone is facing a challenge of some kind. But more commonly used to follow up a dinger of an insult. "She's dumber'n a box of hair, bless her heart."

"I'm fixin' to....." (Or in Memphis, "I'm finna.....") Used when you're planning to do, well, anything. "I'm finna hit the head, y'all." "I'm fixin' to put a hurtin' on that pot of greens." Goes well with "I reckon". "I'm fixin' to eat that whole tray of cookies, I reckon."

One of my favorites is "Biscuit Poisoning", used on only the fluffiest of Southerners. "It don't take tight jeans to see that girl got biscuit poisoning, bless her heart!"

Are you ugly? Well, the South has some thoughts on that.

"He's so ugly, he'd make a freight train take a dirt road."

"She's uglier'n a bucket full of crushed assholes." (Ouch!)

"That kid's so ugly, his mama had to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dogs would play with him."

"Ugly as ten miles of gravel road, bless her heart."

"Uglier than a train wreck, he is."

"That gal got whooped by the ugly stick."

And my personal favorite: "With those buck teeth, she could eat an apple through a picket fence!"

Don't have anything nice to say? Well, come sit by me! Southerners don't leave their insults just for ugly folks, hell naw!

"He smells worse than the north end of a southbound mule."

"She's useless as tits on a boar hog."

"Kiss my ass and bark at the hole."

And how's the weather, y'all? (I'll give you a hint - it's probably really hot or really cold.)

"Hotter'n a pregnant nun."

"Colder'n a well digger's ass."

"Hotter'n a four-peckered billy goat."

And although it's nice to ask folks how they're doing, you never know what kind of response you might get.

"I'm fine as frog's hair."

"I got the sugars." (Or, "I got the pressures", also known as "high blood". It happens, have I mentioned the food here?)

"Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp staub."

"Madder than a hornet in a Coke can!"

"Happy as a tick on a fat dog."

Ain't this fun? The best thing my homeland has to offer as far as sayings native to them is "hella". I'm gonna keep collecting, I'm sure I'll find another blog's worth to share before too long. I'll write it as soon as I do. But as they say in the South, "If you're waitin' on me, you're backing up."

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!